On Day 6 of the third week, I’m still here

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  • #130094
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    Anonymous
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    For people’s reference, I’m practicing 20 minutes sitting, and 10 minutes standing — and — I’m doing that half-hour practice three times each day: at 6 a.m., 11:30 a.m., and 6 p.m.

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    Today I’m on Day Number 6, of my third week, of the first month.

    In 2 full weeks, plus 5 full days, plus today (which is still a “partial day”) — if my arithmetic’s correct — there have been 62 practice times. And I actually did practice 60 of those (I missed two times).

    Yesterday I reached the (frustrating) point of realizing: I WANT to let my breaths do just what they want — and I WANT to watch them and count them WITHOUT interfering with them in any way (and especially to NOT STOP the breaths between the EXHALE, and the INHALE). And, finding that IMPOSSIBLE.

    Because, the breath that I am watching myself breathing (which can only be my unconscious, habituated way of breathing — the way I breathe all the time) is intolerably uncomfortable. (Intolerable, PARTLY because: The emotion around it is fear/claustrophobia.)

    It’s what I will call a “ZERO BREATH”: Almost no in-and-out. And short — estimating 2 seconds in, 2 seconds out. But the “amplitude” of the breath-wave is almost zero, so I’m calling this the “zero breath.”

    And I’ve only spotted this type of breath (1) at night, and when waking up in the morning — and — (2) when meditating. NOT when I have tried practicing the Breathing lessons in the book and on the CDs (see more below).

    At this morning’s practice I decided to ONLY WATCH the breathing, and not to try to either count the breaths OR change them in any way. And that session was perhaps the most peaceful-feeling session I have had so far. BUT: I wasn’t doing the exercise!

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    I have also started working with Breathing materials — both in the book Opening the Energy Gates of Your Body, and also using the 2-CD set on Breathing.

    And, as already mentioned, the “ZERO BREATH” described above, mysteriously, simply doesn’t show up when I work with the breathing lessons! How strange is that ? ? ?

    I believe that I can correctly and pretty easily do the first TWO lessons from the book — lying on my back — and am less certain of being able to STILL do them correctly when sitting or standing. I would love to have a human being I could check in with, in the 3-D world, regarding both the breathing and the meditation practice.

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    NOW, AS A MATTER OF FACT: I find myself in a much better place, than three weeks ago!

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    But, I’m still scared of my life (or lack of one) — and still scared of what I may see the next time I try to meditate — and — scared of my own bad breathing.

    There’s a MEAN thought pattern — plus painful nervous energy — both telling me that I’ve gotten to the point where, in my life and specifically in breathing, and in my inner health situation, I’m now uncorrectable. That it’s downhill from here.

    And the Breathing lessons on the CDs are helping me to REALIZE, I can gradually, and slowly, RELEASE those thoughts, and the nervousness, whenever I exhale.

    #136956
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    Interesting discoveries (can be a bit startling to see what is ‘going on’.. and how long that may have been.. perhaps changed recently, or has been like this… -who can tell… but the process, 70% and all that)

    [you do write “I find myself in a much better place, than three weeks ago!” .. which is good news, although sometimes progress may not make that so clear.. as Bruce has said, “when you go inside, what you find was there before- the looking doesn’t add it…”] Cleaning out the guck so to speak, vs swept under the rug… when looking in the corners where things were hidden, it can seem ‘worse’ as “I didn’t see this before.” :)

    A question- not so easy to answer, but just to poise and ponder and see what arises… whether the looking and sitting with it is interfering.. or if it is the baseline pattern (if it is the later, then that means that ‘all-night-long’ ie during sleep.. that is the way one breathes? But the former is more like what happens when someone suddenly realizes they are being watched.. and they freeze and shrink up.. or at the least “perform’ vs just being ‘at-ease’.. )

    -so the question of whether the bright-light-of-your-attention changes what is happening.. or if you need to ‘purposefully-do’ breathing, vs the natural-auto breathing-reflex..

    But easy to think one way or the other.. just over time things may reveal via practice, as you have written some discoveries already (even this very short beginning :) if you are able to settle and sustain… what may continue to become easier and/or more noticed.

    -luck

    #136957
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    Taokua B, thank you for you comments, which I am considering.

    You said (quoting Bruce) that when I go inside, what I find was there before — the looking doesn’t add it. That feels like a very helpful viewpoint.

    I also like your questions: (1) Does the bright light of my attention change what is happening? (2) Do I need to ‘purposefully-do’ breathing? (vs. the natural auto-breathing reflex.)

    What I called (in my posting) my “zero breath”:

    IS THAT my “natural auto-breathing reflex”?

    Or is it — not my natural — but just my habitual, and formerly unconscious, way of breathing?

    Or maybe, right now, my natural breathing reflex — and that (uncomfortable!) habit-pattern-type-of-breathing — are . . . the very same thing???

    As a matter of fact: In today’s practice, I experimented with “purposefully-doing” something “about” that breathing pattern — by deliberately (and as gently as I possibly could) changing it into something that was more like belly breathing, as described in the Energy Gates book (Chapter 5).

    As I believe I said in my posting, I BELIEVE that I have experienced belly breathing — not while sitting, but — while ON MY BACK, practicing the first two Breathing Lessons in the book.

    That might be enough for now. Thanks for wishing me luck.

    #136958
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    Taokua B, I just wrote a reply to your reply, and clicked the “Preview” button (and it didn’t work!) and then clicked the “Save” button, and a message said that my message had been saved, but now I’m not finding it.

    I won’t try to reconstruct it.

    But thank you for your reply, which I am considering.

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