Agendas and dissolving

[Anonymous]

The last few weeks practicing sinking through the EA standing program has been really helpful, deepening my awareness and intent with noticeable increase of feeling on all levels physically, mentally and emotionally. Whereas before at 20 mins I would have been more than ready to stop, I often now feel I am only just starting and continue with ease until I feel some kind of strain that alerts me to the 70% rule. irrespective of time standing, I look forward to my practice as in many ways the most fascinating part of the day.

With curious, but less committed intent I went through the Taoist Meditation/inner dissolving audio course and the video on Agendas and Anxiety. I thought I would just listen and let in as much as I could without trying actively do it. In previous attempts at dissolving, I had understood it just physically in terms of energy blockages, maybe from my own reading of “opening the Energy Gates “ book. However, I must have absorbed subliminally what Bruce refers to in the video as the process of finding an “agenda”. While listening I did not really connect to this idea, but subconsciously since, I mulled on various life situations, difficulties of attitude and feelings that had brought me back to trying to re-engage with standing practice and meditation.

I was taken by surprise but what I think is an agenda that crystallised in me during an evening standing practice session. Once grounded at the feet, for curiosity I spent a few minutes just raising the thought/concept of agendas or what is bothering me and what I may want to be free of. Earlier attempts had thrown up multiple defined particular internal & external difficulties I am processing at my current stage in life, all of which felt stuck and without direction to stay or move forward, i.e : a sense of deadness and stasis that you could associate with depression, but also I associate with a loss of Way (tao) in my life, like a stagnant pond, no flow, and for the first time a period of no belief in my energy to find a Way (with no tricks of distraction working to take my mind off this loss of internal direction and ride out the storm). However, no individual problem, however fundamental to my life situation, settled as an “agenda”. I doubted myself and thought, I am just not ready for this or lack the courage to face my problems.

In an instant a word “Fear” seemed to take over my consciousness on all levels, it fell into place in a way I could not quite define but my mind settled on it as affecting all I had been struggling with recently in life and work. As the recognition of ‘fear’ as an agenda permeated, energy suddenly flowed in me like a dam bursting and for the first time in a long period I felt a charge to my body & life, and most importantly a joy in trusting conscious practice as the route to finding my way internally, before acting externally. I generated uncommon amounts of saliva, ( I remembered form other learning I should try and sink to the Dantien) It was weird but not unpleasant. After about 10 minutes I let my mind bring the ‘work on my agenda’ to the lower Dantien, (as I think I remembered Bruce suggesting) and park it there for another day, realising I have much to do. I returned to simply sinking through the body, but it was the most charged sinking yet, and my body felt more alive than I remember for a long time. ( a little too much so to fall asleep easily)

Now, another day is here and I suppose I just am seeking your views /experience on how to practically incorporate attention to an agenda into meditation practice which I personally do as a standing practice both in the morning and evening. I am first and foremost trying to build the strong foundation with sinking, while just beginning to make inroads into dissolving (both physical and now facing an agenda).

In feeling/thinking on ‘fear’ as my agenda as part or all of a standing practice, should I try to be aware of the where the 4 conditions affect me physically as I go through the body and gently introduce dissolving to whatever physical manifestations occur on the way down? or and I trying to somehow put my mind into the notion ‘fear’ as I understand it in my agenda, and use the principles of dissolving on that ? Or both? I feel much more confident in my sense of sinking than of dissolving, which I am only beginning to have any felt understanding of. However the surprise of the agenda coming to me, makes me want to at least try to see what I can do with it.

I don’t want to force anything and I feel comfortably within my 70%…it is odd how acknowledging ‘fear’ did not frighten me but feels like it has released me to make a start to work out how it has been operating in me, along with a certain excitement at sense of energy flow within, like I have released at least one plug from the stagnant pond, and water begins to flow.

Sorry for the long post, I hope it makes sense….thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

Best
Nick

[Anonymous]

Listening again with more focus to the video on meditation, Bruce covers the answers to many of my questions..I hear it differently in light of the experience. I realise that my understanding of dissolving is embryonic, and that is OK

Still interested in how others practically incorporate attention to agendas into their practice…and any other responses. Nick

[Anonymous]

Nick
All I can say is to repeat what Bruce said somewhere else. Fake it till you make it.
For me, I’ve never gotten a trigger word or idea for my agenda, it is more nonphysical. Like reaching out with my mind and going “yea, that thing” without any idea what the heck “that thing” is or relates to or what it feels like. Maybe this describes the condition of something doesn’t feel quite right especially if you don’t know what it is, but it often even eludes that definition. It’s like it is half in and half out. I feel like it has to do with this but then, no, it doesn’t have to do entirely with that. I just looked for my overarching agenda and came up with this, but I’ll be damned if I have any idea what it is.
In terms of attention, I try the best I can, which never feels good enough in our cultural conditioning. The agendas Bruce has given for each month help immensely because it is a great place to wedge into the main agenda anyone is working with. Truth be told I’m more than happy to just sit back and use the agendas he offers each month.
I’m okay with being free of, or to simply have less of, my anxiety and vanity!
That dissolving session you described sounded really great. Great work! Gotta be a Donnie Downer and caution that if you are releasing too much energy and it is straining your system, that that isn’t your 70% and to back off.
Overall, sounds like you’re doing a great job. Maybe some more advice would be to trust yourself and stop doubting yourself. Doubting yourself can make it seem like you can always do it better when you are doing the best you can. Better happens with the passing of time and not with intellectual scouring or soul searching. Doing it better isn’t a secret code or hidden formula to be discovered or unlocked.
If you are doing the best you can, you’ll always do it better.
Cody

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